if only i was a grown-up

when i grow up, i aint sure i will
perhaps if i grow up, just if i will
i will be all i ever wanted
for all i ever wanted was to grow up

not quite to grow up, perhaps
but just to be a grown-up
or do all that grown-ups do
well, just to be a grown-up

if only i was a grown-up
a grown up even for a day
i would do that thing
that thing that all grown-ups do

if only i could be a grown-up
perhaps i would be a better woman
if only i were a grown-up
even without growing up, i would

i would be a grown-up
a grown grown up in a grown-up life
but a dream mine may be
or a nightmare of ever being

Of Menses, Pain and Dirt

I call it womanhood
My sort of femininity
This thing called being
The being of a woman

I no longer call it dirt
When I sit and mess
(are menses a mess?)
Not the mess that I get
From that male gaze
Staring at the mess
The mess of my menses

I love it; just being me
A woman in pain
Yes me in pain and dirt
Because these menses
My productive reproduction
Makes me me
The woman of my being.

Of hacked emails and the 'powerlessness' of denied access

Perhaps this is the last time that I am posting anything on this blog. Someone might just ban me from it by changing my password, changing my secret answer, changing my country of residence or whatever else it is that I may need to reset the password.

I have been proudly telling my friends (and now enemies)about how cautious I always am about spam and scam. The brilliant side of my brain advised me to have as many email accounts as I could possibly have and of course with different names. So, me thought that I would have an account with yahoo (in fact I have two yahoo emails), hotmail, gmail, and as fate would have it two institutional email accounts.What my brilliant side of my brain forgot to tell me (and which the daft side of the same brain worked on) was that I should never have anything linking any of the emails to each other.

In total, me has five email addresses ...oh that was before they got hacked. I now have two addresses (both institutional)...no, I have five email addresses but with access only to two. I do not have access to the other three because my password is wrong!! That is funny, right?

I am devastated to say the least. One of the yahoo emails is my primary email and I use it for very important contacts and information. Somehow, however, I miss my hotmail account access the most! I use it for FACEBOOK men! For the last one week, I cannnot access my Facebook page (could someone please tell me what is going on there?). The facebook addict in me is having a nervous breakdown (or is a nervous condition?)

I feel violated, annoyed, disrespected and utterly irritated.

How do I begin to think of signing up for FB afresh? Where do I even begin? It is the most incapacitating thing that anyone has ever done to the person of my being.

I have lost almost all my contacts. I feel like I am closeted away from the world happening around me. I feel like I am being stalked. I feel like a helpless African slave in a caravan to Europe. I feel like a passenger in a hijacked car. I feel like a homosexual forced to act hetero. I feel angered.

Perhaps I am so angered because I never thought of myself as a target for scam and spam. Perhaps I feel so violated because I thought this always happens to my less computer-wise relatives and friends. Perhaps I feel so incapacitated because I no longer have control of whatever is sent out to my contacts in my name.

It is one (and all) of these things that worries me. "Your email was selected randomly and you are the winner of...Please send your details to this account", "My name is ... I am stuck in (somewhere in Europe, Gaza, Darfur etc) and i decided to send this email to all my friends so that you could debit my bank account number...for my rescue", or even having yahoo/ hotmail notifying their clients of me as a scammer! OMG these things freak me out. Just imagine googling me and the first result that comes up is my expertise in scamming!

Perhaps I shold not be so angered. But hey, I would be less irritated if it was only one email...

If you do not see any more posts here, I have lost access to my blog.

Taking Lessons from Maya Angelou

Still I Rise
by Maya Angelou


You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

I LOVE THE FACT THAT OBAMA IS NOTHING MORE THAN A WANDERING KENYAN SPERM

Stop throwing tantrums about the whole principle of reduction that my title uses and listen to me. Don't you like it when you say to a dog, "sit" and it does? Now you are sitting!

Today is Barack Obama's inauguration as the 44th president of the USA (before this, I did not even know that G.W Bush was the 43rd)...Now I know. If anything has propelled one country in Eastern Africa called Kenya to fame, besides, wildlife, tribalism and a WWF champion one Lucy Kibaki aka madam first lady, that thing is Obama. Never in recent times has anyone's private life been so public like that of Barack Obama. Never has the whole world looked at one person and dissected his life like surgeons would do to a body in a theatre. Now we all know Obama's kenyan granny is called Sarah, we even know the date that his Hawaiian granny died, we know he quit smoking recently...we know just too much about Barack Obama.

Most Kenyans now know more about Obama than they know about one Mwai Kibaki besides his golf expertise. I hear Kibaki still says that when he grows up he wants to be Tiger Woods. Kenyans all over the world are just overwhelmed by Obama's accending to the US presidency. When the little boy (the son of our soil...dont you wish Wahome Mutahi, alias Whispers, was still alive to write about this?)became Illinois senator, Kenya Breweries Limited (now EABL) brought us a cheap beer brand called Senator and we all drank to Barack Obama.

Definitely, EABL is not going to give us a beer called President because the title conjurs up in the Kenyan mind an image of a person worlds apart from Obama. In fact this man is so different and ugly that he decided not to have his face put on the Kenyan legal tender (notes and coins). Hey, that is besides my point...Lucy and Mary know better, it is the beauty and beholder thing.

Today, thousands of Kenyans are in Washington D.C (I still dont understand why there is Washington D.C and Washington the state) for Obama's inauguration. Breasts and bums brushing and shakes and hugs passing all in jubilation for Obama. Introductions have been extended from "My name is Kimani wa Mugo" to " I am Kimani wa Mugo from Kenya". Suddenly, it is a prestigious thing to be Kenyan. But hey, I can't believe that in the midst of all this, I am glad that Barack Obama snr left his family in the USA at such a tender age.

I am sure you are now thinking of me as that same sadist blogger with no new year resolutions.

Whether we admit it or not, to me, Obama is a wandering Kenyan sperm that happened to be caught up in a favourable 'uteral' space. Hey, no need reminding Kenyans that Obama is actually American because they know this it's only that Kenyans love their parties from funerals to child naming ceremonies.

Well, thank God Obama Snr never brought little Obama to Kenya as a young Kenyan. Thank goodness Obama is not a Kenyan citizen but an American. If Barack Obama was truly Kenyan:

1. He would be dead by now because Kenya is allergic to good politicians (but I aint sure he would be as good).
2. He would be guilty of tax evading because he would definitely be the member of parliament for Kogelo, that is if he survives political assassination also called disappearance.
3. He would be caught up in the Luo/kikuyu thing. Of course he would be just another Luo looking for fame.
4. He would be shutting down motions on legalizing prostitution and ending up at Koinange Street at night.
5. He would have to put up with all the crap America says and does to the rest of the world.
6. He would be in millions of pictures on their way to the West asking for Aid for starving Kenyan children and never getting a thing.
7. He would be one of the thousands of former Nyayo House detainees and possibly wouldn't get the two beautiful daughters.
8. Kenyans would have had less public holidays last year
9. That journalist would not have thrown a shoe at Bush because he would not have anyone to compare Bush with.
10. I would not be writing this blog.


I am going to write a letter to Barack Obama Snr, to thank him for the favour he did the world by not bringing up Obama jnr as a Kenyan. As you drink and party to Obama's inauguration, please remember this great sperm donor, one Barack Obama snr and pour libation!!

Lol, some things just cant be captured in a poem...well, the more reason I aint a poet.

I Died Last Night

sometimes when i close my eyes
i see better than when I open them
sometimes I want to keep my eyes closed
to see all i cannot see with them open

many times when i close my eyes
i see just circles, big layered circles
other times once my eyes close
i see drops and dots and doodles

Several times once i close my eyes
i want to keep them closed
to make sense of all i see
to read those circles and dots

last night i did not want them closed
i wanted to stay awake if only to have them open
not to see the bigger dots called circles
to avoid those smaller circles, those dots

those dots and circles i know
are a variation of the same thing
different sizes of my life challenges
and did not wish to see them last night

thank heavens i died the whole night
thank god i closed my eyes not
pretty cool i opened them neither
because i died, died an awesome death

i died for hours last night
before I realized my might
to just win the fierce fight
and not prove enemies right.

i have died many times before
but last night I died a death
a death never before died
a larger slice of death it was

An Attempt to Love

No matter how many times we fought
No matter how many quarrels we had
No matter how much we harboured hate
No matter how much we disagreed
We had a wonderful time together

Now that you are going away my love
Now that you won't be here my dear
Now that you leave me behind dear heart
Now that at night we shall no longer hold
In my heart you shall be missed but tightly held

Memories your homecoming shall bring
Memories of a father no longer there
Memories of a son turned dear hubby
Memories of a brother now darling daddy
But memories filled with gratitude

To the father above I pray dear Sweetheart
To the father above I commit you my Love
To the father above I look upon
To the father above this is what I say
"Lord give to them the strength to soldier on"

Until that time my darling
Until that day that I knoweth not
Until that moment we shall hold
Until that minute comes my Sweery
Patiently shall I wait, for those slices of sweetness.