Dysphoria

“Unakuwanga na madharau sana, Boss”

My eyes vacillate between his blood-shot eyes

and the club faltering in his hand

There is an immense air of indecisiveness,

my eyes and his club need to act, almost immediately

I could give him an all-knowing look then a few words of calling out

All at the risk of having this club decide on a plan of action

I hesitate.

He has been watching me or imagining folks like me

His frustration is almost tangible

He has that why-are-you-making-my-job-difficult look

I look at him not threateningly but disturbingly

All the same

The door to the Ladies bangs

Behind me.

Shall we talk shit?

A woman screams as I enter the first cubicle

Another complains about men raping women in toilets

Yet another deliberates with a stranger on how best to box this dude

I hear hushed tones and whispers deliberately made loud

A tiny bit of my boxer shorts is trapped somewhere in my pants’ zip

Arghh, did they have to write Jesus on this door?

My bladder is giving way and Jesus won’t help for shit!

One drop of piss, one tiny drop then another

I just broke my zip, and my head is trying to offend everyone equally

For equality sake swear at ‘em all

The bloody security guard, fucken’ body-policing women

and this Jesus who lets sinners write his name in a freaking toilet cubicle!

Can’t I just piss in peace White Jesus?

In this silence, I hear him say ‘no’

So fuck you!

I stand inside this cubicle afraid to get out

Reading signs instructing people how not to crap and piss

This makes me want to weep, signs with writing

Elaborate reminders on flushing toilets

as though anyone recycles that kak

So we’ve reached a point where we can read

but cannot reliably get our piss and poo into a hole!

I straighten my tie, struggle to zip up and I am out of here

Thinking of the irony of the ewe and ram pictures on these doors

A guard in braids, boots and a tie once defining me by clothes

I imagine we’ve achieved a downright utopian society

Complete with cowed nervous citizens in toilets

Carrying around birth certificates as proof

And I am still getting

Stared at

And ridiculed

And questioned

About crap

Public toilets are so full of shit