Insecure

This is not the first time that I summon my heart
And I know I will do it tomorrow
Or may be not.
But that is just okay.

You see my heart has been in a constant whine
About all sorts of disatisfactions and lacks
my heart has been torturing me about my lack of eloquence
In whichever language

But how am I to say a thing
When I don't know how it is going to be
If only when I try to fix things, they became better
If only I was certain of how others feel
And if only people believed what I say
may be then, only then, I'd speak

Today at the meeting I told my heart to diss the nag
Because I would like to just reconnect
With the drops of rain hitting my roof so hard
I just want to rub my dog by the belly
And count the falling strands of his fur 
Quietly

And in my silence I want to find myself
That old self that used to know 'I don't care'
I want to reconcile with that tongue
That first taught me to say 'No'
And together we can drop my heart at the panelbeaters

But I know this will not happen
At least not now. may be not soon.
For I know that I don't know how to be amorist especially with them
I worry 
about death
about pain
about life
about them
more...

And even without listening to my nagging heart
I am insecure
And that is perfectly okay
We wait!